Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Top Ten Greatest WORST Superheros in History

So I was recently asked by a fellow comic book blogger to do a blog on who I think are the top ten greatest superheros of all time. We dialoged about this and had great discussions about who we think our picks would be for the top ten greatest. We compared our lists and decided that there wasn't a whole lot of difference. Superman was number one followed closely by Batman, Green Lantern fit in there along with Dare Devil and Captain America, etc etc etc.

Now I wont lie, doing a top ten list was a pleasing thought, but it has been done way to many times. However, the thought still intrigued me. I wasn't sure what to do until I saw an old episode of the Power Rangers on TV, and I HATE the Power Rangers! And then it dawned upon me, why not make a top ten list of the greatest worst Superheros of all time? So here you are....

The Top Ten Greatest WORST Superheros Of All Time

10. Captain Planet
Created by Ted Turner in 1990, Captain Planet was an environmentally minded god-like entity that was created when five kids from around the world, known as Planeteers, combine their five magical rings. Captain Planet fought villains like Sly Sludge and Duke Nukem and anybody Else that endangered the environment. his powers include super strength, super speed and stamina, flight, invulnerability, super breath, Super hearing, telepathy, psychokinesis, shape shifting, control of matter, he had it all! But throw a bit of garbage on this guy and you might as well call it quites! I think if Captain Planet was a "wor alone" superhero, he might have been cooler. But those meddling kids (scooby-Doo, where are you?) is what really killed it for me.

9. The Power Rangers
"Hey Mom, Batman the animated series is on, can I watch it?" "No Jimmy, your sister is watching Power Rangers."
Oh the days when my sister thought The Power Rangers were cool. And I might have liked them if it wasn't for the fact that it was designed for children! That stupid, big headed Zordon keeps lingering in my head. And why did every episode have to end in a Godzilla type battle. At least Batman didn't have to continually revamp itself to stay cool. Look at how many different short lived series Power Rangers had...
1) Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (Three seasons)
2) Mighty Morphin Alien Rangers
3) Power Rangers: Zeo
4) Power Rangers: Turbo
5) Power Rangers in Space
6) Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy
7) Power Rangers: Lightspeed Rescue
8) Power Rangers: Time Force
9) Power Rangers: Wild Force
10) Power Rangers: Ninja Storm
11) Power Rangers: Dino Thunder
12) Power Rangers: S.P.D
13) Power Rangers: Mystic Force
14) Power Rangers: Operation Overdrive
15) Power Rangers: Jungle Fury
16) Power Rangers: RPM


8. The Ambiguously Gay Duo

The ever popular Saturday Night Live animated cartoon which poked fun at the older batman and Robin comics. Their intention was to satirize the suggestion that the dynamic duo was a homosexual crime fighting team. A typical episode usually consisted of a villain committing some dastardly deed, and the A.G.D. would do all they could to stop it, which usually included outrageous antics and innuendos, and behaving in ways perceived by other characters as profligately homosexual. Dialog would go like so...
Ace [patting Gary on the butt] : Good job, friend-of-friends!
Villains/Bystanders
[gasps, and ghastly stares]
Ace
: What's everybody looking at?
Villains/Bystanders
[in unison]: Nothing!




7. Banana Man

While living in Budapest, I remember watching on the British channel Sky One, a cartoon called Banana Man. Eric Wimp, an ordinary schoolboy, living at 29 Acacia Avenue, Nutty town eats a banana to transform into Banana man. His super powers include the ability to fly, superhuman strength, and seeming invulnerability. If Banana Man needs extra power, bananas can be eaten for strength boosts, provided by his faithful pet crow. I always enjoyed watching this cartoon short. From the looks of it, the creator stemmed Banana Man in the likeness of Superman, but also a hint of Captain Marvel in the sense that he is a boy who becomes an adult Superhero. (assuming you can call someone with the name Banana Man an adult) Video opener below...




6. Superted

Yes, Superted. I hardly remember anything about him. I just remember watching the show and loving it! I would actually grab my snuggles toy and act as if he were Superted and he would defeat the evil Barbie and Ken brigade. Superted's powers are activated by his "secret magic word", which (as the name suggests) remains a secret. Superted whispers it every time he or someone else is in peril and he transforms into a Superman-like red suit with rockets built in to the boots. The episodes take place all over the world (but quite often in Wales) and even in space (SuperTed is the owner of his own space station). He also has a tree house in an unspecified jungle. Superted also resembles Captain Marvel, even more so than Banana Man does, since his powers come from a magic word and from a magical being.




5. Bible Man

The intent is good, but ultimately this evangelical superhero fall flat on his face as being one of the worst. I really don't need to go on. Besides the fact that he wear hockey gear and a suit that has very little to do with biblical matters, he really is not a good superhero and should be thrown away with the rest of the garbage and allow history to forget that someone actually came up with this ridiculous idea!



4. The Legion of Super-Pets

The Legion of Super-Pets is a fictional team of super-powered pets in the Pre-Crisis DC Universe. Members included Krypto the Super-Dog and Streaky the Supercat. The team first appeared in Adventure Comics #293 (February 1962), though most of the members had appeared in earlier issues.
The alien creatures known as the Brain-Globes of Rambat decide that, in order to succeed in their plan to move Earth to their own solar system, they must defeat Superboy. When they are unable to gain control of Superboy, they summon Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, and Saturn Girl of the Legion of Super-Heroes from the future and mentally command the trio to capture him.
After Superboy is defeated, the Brain-Globes of Rambat release their hold on the Legionnaires. When they notice that the Brain-Globes cannot control animals, the Legionnaires gather Krypto the Super-Dog (from Superboy's present), Streaky the Supercat and Beppo the Super-Monkey (from Superman's present), and Comet the Super-Horse (from a few weeks in Superman's future) to battle the aliens. The pets defeat the aliens and are named the Legion of Super-Pets, the animal branch of the super club. They are then returned to their proper time periods.

3. Dogwelder
Dogwelder was a character from Garth Ennis' "Hitman" series. Dogwelder was part of a superhero team known as Section Eight which was a band of these crazy guys that fought crime in rather inane ways. He's this madman in a silver welder's outfit that basically just goes around welding stray dogs to villains' faces. That's it. That's how he fought crime. Welding dogs to people. Mind you it would be a bitch of a thing to have happen to you. You try to rob a bank and you end up with a Lhasa Apso welded to your face, yapping for eternity. *shudder*













2. Arm Fall Off Boy

Oh those crazy Legion of Superheros and their crazy writers! They'll let heroes with some of the stupidest powers into the Legion, but they pass up a great character like Arm Fall Off Boy. Arm Fall Off Boy is an oddity all his own because although he only made one appearance in a comic book ever (Secret Origins #46 [1989]), his appearance was so memorable that he has a cult following to this day. Arm Fall Off Boy made an appearance at a Legion of Superheroes recruitment drive where he displayed his "astounding" power to Saturn Girl, Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy. His power? To detach his left arm from his body and use it as a club. Sadly, Arm Fall Off Boy was surprised when the Legion let him know that his talents weren't quite right for their organization. Arm Fall Off Boy sulked away into comic book oblivion, but was not forgotten. One only wonders how he felt when later on the Legion would accept Bouncing Boy and, well, Matter Eater Lad to their ranks.


And The Number One Worst Superhero In History Is......


1. Captain Caveman
Only Hannah-Barberra could come up with something this ridiculous. Let's start with a mock up of Charlie's Angels, take three bomb shells and turn it into a spin off called "The Teen Angels." Joe Ruby and Ken Spears were the creative team. however, Hannah-Barberra decided three hot chicks solving mysteries would not stimulate young boys fantasies. (are they kidding me???) So, what do they do? Yes that's right, they stick a stupid caveman in the mix with special powers, which include super-strength, a variety of useful objects hidden inside his fur, and a club that allows him to fly and from which pops out different tools he uses to fight crime. His trademark is his battle cry of "Captain CAAAAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!" Captain Caveman's voice was provided by Mel Blanc.

Hannah-Barberra was known for this. Look back at most of the typical mystery and superhero cartoons and you'll find most of the male characters were dumb and very trashy looking, where as ALL the females were slender, beautiful, and curvy. This is an unintentional commentary that if you are ugly, homely, or weird looking...you'll get the girl!

Captain caveman is without a doubt one of the funniest superheros ever concocted. But props go to the man of a million voices, Mel Blanc. Without that man, I don't think Captain Caveman would have been as successful.



4 comments:

  1. Wow, I had completely forgotten about Bananaman. Great list :-)

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  2. Banana Man - talk about your blasts from the past! Nice choices - I'd put Kawmi from Captain Planet in 11th place - what kind of power is 'Heart' anyway?!

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  3. Kawmi, was he even a superhero???? More like a lame ass kid who whined all the time!

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  4. Bible Man?!!! That's just ridiculous.

    I use to love Captain planet. I'm sad you put him on the list. lol

    I vaguely remember Captain Caveman...but I'm pretty sure I loved it. I used to like strange things.

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